| name | value |
| location | Melbourne |
| date | 2025-11-30 |
| dateFormat | dd-mmm-yyyy |
| slug | 2025November |
十一月三日
The memories are still haunting me. Now there is another new imagination that haunts: Lawrence and his new girlfriend doing whatever they do. I can’t but wonder what they would do. Would he say those same things to her? All those talks about love and relationships. Now that he has his own place, is he going to cook for her?
Thanks to my new medication, these flashbacks no longer bother me. Those questions merely exist but do not get my fixation. I suppose this is a good thing.
Many other good things happened, but I have not been writing them down because I felt peaceful all along. The weekend spent with Fei. The hours and hours, the walks and texts with C. They bring me peace and joy. I am grateful.
I realised that I only write when I feel strongly, usually negative feelings. That’s why I haven’t been writing as much. But then I will forget these moments. I should try to train myself do write just regularly, despite of my mood.
C cooked for me and walked me back last Friday. The way they took care of me, feels like what I would do for Fei. But I want to give, too.
Read the words Noodz wrote on her social media, and I felt a prick of sorrow. Those words resonated so much that they felt like my own. Then C and I spent the night just yapping.
I am glad. I am grateful. C is my “Eileen”.
十一月六日
The rhythmic cicada chirps. The sound of childhood.
We are together. I feel hopeful.
十一月九日
The Spathiphyllum I keep comparing myself with, yet again exhibits behaviours resembling mine.
Only not long ago I saw her sprout out a new leaf, and I felt relived and proud. Today I notice yet another flower coming out. What a silly little thing.
十一月十日
My heart buzzes with joy.
When C told me about the three close suicides that they had to live with within just this year, I knew what I was in for. I could not possibly tell them that I still was planning my death.
It is too much pressure for anyone to bear, but secretly I decided that, this is the person I will live for. For just one day I am in their life, then I would not commit suicide.
十一月十四日
自然而然的，太晚了，留C在家過夜。
C的睫毛，滑過我的臉頰。
十一月十五日
帶C去了Mel的暖宅酒。
十一月十六日
Too much has happened at Melissa‘s housewarming party.
That Michael guy makes me uneasy. Larchie from Deakin is nice. I want to do more maths.
C is everything I’ve ever wished for.
All the things Lawrence promised but never gave, came so naturally from C.
十一月二十日
幾個月來第一次聽表情銀行的《安全降落》。小心翼翼地觸摸我的情緒。太好了，沒有應激，沒有觸發傷心。
從未對未來如此充滿勇氣。
十一月二十三日
C brought up Casey‘s anniversary. I said I’d be there for them.
I invited them to join me in shower. We didn’t turn off the lights. Their beautiful body. In the warm light. They said they felt hungry for me. I said it’s because we are both ovulating. They couldn’t stop giggling.
In the shower they asked me where I’ve got my necklace from. I told them and then the random idea crept up, I said: if we ever get a ring it should be platinum. Then it went further and marriage came up.
十一月二十五日
Sometimes you enter a space and you know immediately you are out of place. Like a shopping trolley found on a bike path.
It’s sometimes about the age group, sometimes about how people are dressed, about their skin colours, about the way they speak.