| name | value |
| location | Melbourne |
| date | 2024-12-31 |
十二月二十一日
Reading what I’ve written last month, I only just realised that it has been precisely another month. I haven’t ended it. It was quieter, calmer, more avoidant probably from both sides. But now I am actually sensing the end creeping up. It does feel a little bit sad, but to prevent long-term harm it’s better I ended it now. The whole thing has become boring, and I drifted further into the other end of desire—I don’t want a friend, I want a toy. Yes, I think I would love to have more physical contact, but there doesn’t seem any more interesting things about this person for me to explore. I think I’ve read it through and it’s boring, and I don’t like it because it’s also harmful, toxic. I am not curious anymore. Either I get the physical interaction or not. It’s not love, it’s not friendship. But for just some kind of physical consolation it’s not worth that much of my effort. I would rather hug a tree.
十二月二十二日
Today marks two months since we went out for that drink. I hate myself for feeling sad about the end of this, but I think I am just being harsh on myself now. It’s been only two months, yes, but it has also been very intense, and I have invested a lot. Emotionally and temporally. Hence it’s quite normal to feel loss, and the inevitable grief. The wise thing is to not go back, because it is fairly clear that there’s no gain that could come out from this, and I will just get hurt and feel bigger grief next time. Stay calm, stay rational.
十二月二十四日
I wanted to end it, and we ended it.
十二月二十九日
I want to write down every single second I spent with J. The eye colour I finally paid attention to. The angle of the sunlight when he walked into my frame. The way he stood up to help the waitress to put the candlelight in. The things he told me. The way he smiled. The way we laughed together. The tone he said „don’t be silly.“